17 weeks!

   I am 17 weeks along now and feeling great. The morning sickness is pretty much gone. For the first 12-13 weeks, I was so grateful and even excited about being sick because it was a reassurance to me that things were progressing. We had a miscarriage back in February and so we were that much more worried again with this one. I am so grateful now to be over that hump and into the second trimester. With Allary, the second trimester was when I began to be the most sick. I think it is a wonderful sign that things seem to be going more according to textbook with this one.

   I feel great. I love my growing belly. I love feeling pregnant. Last week at Disneyland, I really began to feel (or at least recognize) the baby moving around for the first time. It's miraculously wonderful.

   I am still having a hard time convincing myself that this is really happening. It seems the past number of times we've even come close to getting a baby, the rug has been pulled out from under us. And now, to be pregnant... I thought I'd never be able to do this again. I feel so overwhelmingly grateful.

   This was not, by any means, a rash decision, or an act of desperation. This is something we've been going over and over again for 6 years. When I was first diagnosed with Peripartum Cardiomyopathy, every doctor we talked to said we absolutely should not try for another pregnancy. They were guessing there was a 50-60% chance of recurrence with almost no chance of another full recovery. With this information, we put pregnancy out of our minds and pursued other options. We felt that those risks were not acceptable, especially when we had other options.

   Over the years, I have done my best to keep up with any current research on my condition. We continued to have check-ups with cardiologists and consultations with high-risk OB's. I found myself revisiting this option with every other failed attempt to get a baby.

   My current cardiologist, Dr. Asay, was there the day Allary was born and played a huge part in saving my life. About 2-3 years ago, he told us he thought there was a good chance I could have a normal pregnancy. He said he understood how much we wanted this and he would do whatever he could to help us. This began to get my hopes up. This was right before he got called to be a mission president and left the country. Every other cardiologist I saw after him said we were crazy to consider such a risk. So, back to other options.

   Soon after Allary was born, my OB referred me to a friend of his, a high-risk OB doctor, Dr. Esplin. I had also heard of him through a study being done at the hospital on PPCM and so I knew he was knowledgeable about my rare condition. I would never have gotten in to see him had I not had a great referral. He is one of the best in the area and in very high-demand. I loved him right away. He told us the risks, which were high, but also told us if we chose this, he would do everything in his power to help us. I have continued to consult with him over the years, running new research I have found by him, or asking questions or whatever. He has been great.

   After our devastating losses with the failed adoption and the surrogacy attempts, we again came back to this option. I returned again to the internet for research and any new information on PPCM. I came across some articles by a doctor who has spent decades researching PPCM. He said on his website that he had written a new paper that was being published. I e-mailed him and asked him if I could please have a copy, to which he promptly replied and complied. He had found in his case studies that the risks of recurring heart failure could be significantly lowered if the patient met certain criteria. I also found out that my cardiologist had returned from his mission and was practicing again. I scheduled appointments with both Dr. Asay and Dr. Esplin and ran this new information by them. They said it looked promising and that yes, there were more new findings and research being done on subsequent pregnancies after PPCM. So, we ran a series of tests to see if I could meet these criteria and I passed with flying colors. Both doctors agreed that with these tests, new research, and my heart's excellent condition, the chances of recurring heart failure were considerably lower than before, now 15-20%. And, with that, if it did happen again, my chances of recovering are considerably higher than what they thought before.

   So, armed with new information, we had some serious thinking and deliberating and praying to do. Like I said, even though this is something I have wanted so badly for so long, this was no easy decision. I wish I could say that I have had some extraordinary vision or booming voice or angelic visitation telling me that this is what we should do and that I will be fine. It has been such an interesting experience as we have prayerfully sought after and begged for guidance on how to expand our family. I feel as though the Lord has never point-blank told us what to do. I feel like we have had amazing experiences with each decision we have made. I feel like with each decision, be it adoption, or surrogacy or whatever, we have had the Lord's approval. I feel like we have made good decisions. This is something I have struggled with over the years, wondering why I seem to be maybe misinterpreting the spirit and why each road has come to a staggering dead-end. It has taken me a while to let go of that guilt and realize that we have not made any bad or wrong decisions. I do think we have always had the Lord's approval and this is simply the crazy path we've had to take. Once again, with this decision, I feel like the Lord is saying, this is right and this is good. I also feel like, as with previous decisions, that doesn't necessarily mean He is promising that everything is going to be fine. I have come to learn that faith doesn't mean knowing everything is going to work out great...faith means pressing forward with resolve even when you know things might not turn out great. It's not so much about walking in the light, as it is taking a few steps into the dark.

   I don't know. This may sound completely crazy to some. How can I be willing to take such a risk without having a miraculous manifestation that everything is going to work out perfectly? Oh man, sometimes I don't know. The miraculous thing is, the moments of peace I feel, even when I am thinking about how crazy and scary this all is. That peace is certainly not coming from anywhere inside of me.

   I have felt like the Lord is, and has been, with us through all of this. I did have an experience that I will share, and I can't remember how long ago it was and how it fits into the timeline of all this. I was praying for the bazillionth time about whether or not to get pregnant. I was talking things out with the Lord, saying that if I could just know what would happen, I would know what to do. I was saying that I would be willing to go through that awful experience again if I could just know that the baby and I would come out okay on the other end. I was saying that I did not want to make the wrong decision and risk taking away Allary's mother. And even if I lived, I did not want Allary to have a mom that could not walk her to school, run and play with her at the park, walk up and down the stairs of our house, carry her to bed when she falls asleep watching a movie, etc etc. After I prayed, and I can't even remember if it was directly after or a little while later, I was reading the scriptures, and I read in D&C 89..."And all saints who remember to keep and do these sayings, walking in obedience to the commandments, shall receive health in their navel and marrow to their bones....And shall run and not be weary, and shall walk and not faint." I know this particular scripture is referring to the Word of Wisdom, but for me, the wording was just what I needed and it was a very specific answer to a very specific prayer.

   I know some may think we are crazy, heck, sometimes I think I'm crazy. I just know that as long as I feel like my family is incomplete, I will keep fighting to get that next one here. I know that these spirits that are coming now have been saved for this day. I know the adversary knows that, and that he is doing his darndest to keep them from coming, especially to good families.

   We are hoping and praying for the best with this pregnancy. And, the thoughts and prayers of you, our family and friends, mean so much to us.  We are excited and scared and anxious and thrilled and grateful... Mostly, right now I am enjoying and relishing in these small treasured moments of carrying this miracle. We are greatly blessed.

Other past related posts:
http://spencerjb.blogspot.com/2010/02/our-road.html
http://spencerjb.blogspot.com/2010/03/loss.html
http://spencerjb.blogspot.com/2010/03/few-thoughts.html
http://spencerjb.blogspot.com/2010/10/update.html