...a few thoughts

I just finished reading "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom. I really loved it. I think it's my favorite of his and made my list of all-time faves. This could also be because of the timing and my current state of mind. Here's a few passages that stood out to me:

"I tell him I am sorry for his loss. And he says, with an angry face, 'I envy you.'
'Why do you envy me?' I said.
'Because when you lose someone you love, you can curse God. You can yell... You can demand to know why. But I don't believe in God...'
He was near tears. 'Who do I blame?' he kept asking me. 'There is no God. I can only blame myself.'
The Reb's face tightened as if in pain.
'That,' he said softly, 'is a terrible self-indictment.'
Worse than an unanswered prayer?
'Oh yes. It is far more comforting to think God listened and said no, than to think that nobody's out there.' "

I liked this passage too,
"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.
-Robert Browning Hamilton"

I feel like over the past few years I've walked more than a mile or two with Sorrow. When tragedy strikes and the sadness sets in, I recognize it and I know it all too well. It's not like a friend or an acquaintance, it's more like a dentist. You're never happy to see him and you know what's coming once you sit in his chair. I feel like this with grief and sorrow, I know it, I've been there, I know each stage and what's coming, and I've come to the point where I just succumb and say okay, let's do this and let's get it over with. That's not to say it's necessarily easier or that I know all the answers or the secrets to coming out any faster or better off on the other side of it. I just know it and I'm better at it. I am quicker to give in, I am quicker to go to the Savior, and I am quicker to get over the anger and frustration and bitterness. I guess maybe that sounds weird... I've become good at grieving.

Also in the book, Albom cites Isaiah:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."


I've also been poring over this month's Ensign, which has a lot to do with trials and adversity.
(Thank you Trisha for pointing me in that direction.)

"This is the moment when eternal destinies are forged in the quiet reaches of the heart and mind as we struggle to respond to a personal trial. At such moments we can choose to remember the spiritual witnesses and testimony we have received and rely on the Lord to help us through the challenge..." -Elder Paul B. Pieper "Trials and Testimony"

"Because of what our family has experienced, we feel greater empathy for others' struggles, whatever they may be and find ourselves reaching for a greater understanding of the Savior's love for us. We are learning that through our active use of the Atonement, it is indeed possible to be 'troubled on every side, yet not distressed;...perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken, cast down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)." -Emma Petty Addams "Enduring Well"

"President Harold B. Lee once remarked: 'Sometimes when we are going through the most severe tests, we will be nearer to God than we have any idea.' " -Larry Richman "Learning Through Life's Trials"


Mostly the past few days, I have been crying and thinking and crying and reading and crying and praying. (Thank you to my wonderful rock of a husband who took over the care of Allary and other things. And thank you to Trisha and Leslee who have also helped out and had Allary over to play while the aforementioned things consumed me).
I think the biggest thing I've learned is not to separate the grieving process from the Savior. In the past, I've felt like I need to stay away from Him until I'm ready to be healed. I need to be alone to be sad and angry and get through the ugly part, then when I'm ready, I'll go to Him. Like He's waiting for me to run, walk, or crawl through the mud to get to Him and then He'll come in and save the day. I've found this is not the case at all. I don't have to walk, run, or crawl anywhere...this time I simply feel like I stopped in place and just fell down...right to my knees, and right into His arms. He wants me to be happy, but that doesn't mean He's going to expect me to be happy all the time or that He's upset with me when I'm sad.
I am sad and I am grieving, but I am in a good place. I am in His arms. I feel it figuratively through the Comforter, and also literally... it's in the hugs and the tears from those who are hurting with us.

Loss...

At Dena's 15 week ultrasound yesterday, we found out we have lost our precious babies. The ultrasound revealed no heartbeats, no movement, and no growth. I have no words...

These are our last pictures of them (around 11 weeks).




Thank you everyone who has offered your love and tears and prayers and support.