Update...

-sigh- where to begin....
We have had a rough couple of months (years actually). Not long after we lost the twins back in March, sweet Dena offered to give the surrogacy another try. We had 4 frozen embryos still there at the clinic. Dena started the whole process again and had one embryo transferred to her the first week of August. A few weeks later she went in to have her blood drawn to see if she was pregnant. She called to tell us that she was in fact pregnant, but that her hormone levels were abnormally low. We were excited, but also trying to be cautious about getting our hopes up. She went back a few days later for another blood draw and they found that her numbers had gone up significantly. At that point, we were truly excited. But only a few days after that, Dena started bleeding. They took her blood again and found that her numbers, while still rising, were not near high enough to indicate a normal pregnancy. She went back again after a few more days for another blood draw and found that her hormone levels were still increasing and that there was maybe hope that things would be okay. It seems like this went on and on forever. Her levels did continue to rise, but not like they should, and they couldn't seem to find the embryo on the ultrasounds. Finally the doctor and nurses concluded that it was an ectopic pregnancy. They did surgery and found the embryo hiding at the entrance to one of the tubes. Ectopic, really??? How does that even happen with IVF? Apparently there was a less than 3% chance of that happening. Kind of like there was a less than 1% chance of twins. I am the girl of small percentages. We were at least relieved that they found it and that Dena was okay. I feel horrible for what she has been through on our behalf and I can never ever thank her enough for her selfless act of love.

So where does this leave me? I have no idea. Grieving...again. Confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, and exhausted in every way. I feel like I have been fighting, fighting with every bit of strength I can muster towards this one goal, and I keep losing. Not just losing but ending up more and more beaten down with each loss. So should I quit fighting? Should I just accept that maybe I am not meant to have more than one child? This thought saddens me so much that I cannot even go there. How do I quit fighting for something I cannot go a single day, even a single hour, without thinking about?