"I Would Die For That"

I saw this video on one of my dear friend's blogs and it made me cry my eyes out. This song title rings true in an all too literal sense for me. I have the ability to get pregnant if I choose to. But, it would mean taking a huge gamble with my life. I would do anything, even risk my life, to have another baby. The only thing that keeps me from doing this is that I am not willing to risk Allary's mom's life.

My bright spots...

You know all the quotes about how life is like a painting or a weaving or some other form of artwork, and how life can be frustrating because we can't see the whole picture. God is weaving in the bright beautiful colors and also some darker ones for contrast. It is hard to understand sometimes why those deep dark colors are necessary. There must be contrast, or opposition in all things. The darker the darks, the brighter the brights. I've been trying to focus lately on the brights in my life now, and not always waiting for the brights to come some day in the future when my problems are solved. Because, really, will there ever be a time when life is trial-free? The end of our trials would probably also mark the end of our mortal lives. So, I look for the simple delights in each day that make me smile and bring me joy, and I didn't have to look very far. :)
These are just a few examples of my bright spots...

These two, of course... check out Allary's crazy face. :)


We love making cookies. I am not much into baking, but making sweet treats with this sweet girl can brighten any day.


Covered in blue sidewalk chalk. My little Smurfette.


One of my favorite times of the day is Allary's bed time. Not just because it marks the beginning of some much needed me time at the end of the day but because I love our bedtime rituals. Allary has a bath and always requests a funny hairdo as I help her shampoo her hair. She does the rest of the bath all by her little independent self, gets out, and wraps herself up in a towel. She then comes and finds me to brush out her hair and help her with her lotion. Then she scampers off to get her jammies on, brush her teeth, and pick out a story and a toy to sleep with. We say prayers knelt down together at her bed. Then we read a story in her bed and usually have a little chat about our day and the day ahead tomorrow. In an effort to stall a little longer, she always tries to drag out the conversation, and when she realizes it's no use, she asks me to sing her just one song. She's been feeling somewhat festive for some reason lately and requests Christmas songs. Which I actually don't mind, "Away in a Manger" and "Silent Night" make excellent bedtime lullabies. Then it's hugs and kisses and "I love you's" and lights out. I'm always overwhelmed with an unconditional amount of love for my sweet girl all safe and snug and giggly and pink and tucked in for the night.



And while I don't have any photos of it, another bright spot in my life I'd sort of forgotten about for some time is music. I love to sit and play the piano or the guitar. I have severely neglected this love and talent. One of my friends asked me to play a musical number at church and presented me with a beautiful piece of music that has actually required some practice. I'm too used to being able to sight-read everything and I am very grateful for the challenge. I've been going over to the church to practice on a real piano (and not just my electronic keyboard here at home) and I have loved the time that has given me to spend some real one-on-one time with another one of my loves in life.

Okay, this is one of my new all-time favorite pictures. Ha! Love that face. Love that silly girl.

Easter

We spent Easter weekend with Jason's family.
Here we are coloring eggs at Grandma and Grandpa's house. Allary kept getting mad when we said we were "dying" the eggs because she didn't want to kill them. :)

I love the concentration on her face with her pursed lips as she applies her artistic expertise to each of her eggs.



And...hunting for eggs.


And then the traditional throwing of the eggs.... what? Doesn't everyone do this? :)





Watch out!



She went on several four-wheeler rides with Dad while we were there. I thought they were crazy. One ride in that cold harsh wind was plenty for me.



Don't worry, she wasn't going anywhere. She was just sitting there anxiously awaiting Dad to get on for their ride, and I thought she looked so big and tough there on that big four-wheeler.

It was a good weekend spent with family and watching General Conference. Allary got a CTR ring for Easter from her Dad and me. She has been asking for one ever since she advanced to the CTR4 class this year. I was glad to see she was just as thrilled about that as she was about all the candy and other fun things.

A Real Ballerina

The public library had a dance group come and do a free special performance. I wasn't sure if Allary would really love it because I didn't know what kind of show to expect, but the flier said that young audience members were encouraged to come in dance clothes and would be invited to participate if they would like. I'm really glad we went. The performance was kid-friendly, interactive, and short. Allary was mesmerized by the real ballerinas and their beautiful costumes and pointy slippers. At the end of their show, they invited the children up to the front to learn some dance moves from a professional. Allary was totally into it. She was too shy to actually talk to her, but she did go right up there and did her best to mimic her every move. I wish I would've gotten some action shots of Allary's awesome moves, but these were the best I got.


And here's one showing off her form for the camera. She is so excited now to take a dance class this summer. She tells me she is going to be both an astronaut and a dancer when she grows up.

Preschool Field Trip

The end of March, Allary's preschool class took a trip to the Dinosaur museum. It was fun for me to go with her and to get a chance to see her interact with her little preschool buddies.

The whole class (minus one who couldn't make it.) What a cute bunch.



Playing in the erosion table with her buddy Owen and his little brother.

...a few thoughts

I just finished reading "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom. I really loved it. I think it's my favorite of his and made my list of all-time faves. This could also be because of the timing and my current state of mind. Here's a few passages that stood out to me:

"I tell him I am sorry for his loss. And he says, with an angry face, 'I envy you.'
'Why do you envy me?' I said.
'Because when you lose someone you love, you can curse God. You can yell... You can demand to know why. But I don't believe in God...'
He was near tears. 'Who do I blame?' he kept asking me. 'There is no God. I can only blame myself.'
The Reb's face tightened as if in pain.
'That,' he said softly, 'is a terrible self-indictment.'
Worse than an unanswered prayer?
'Oh yes. It is far more comforting to think God listened and said no, than to think that nobody's out there.' "

I liked this passage too,
"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.
-Robert Browning Hamilton"

I feel like over the past few years I've walked more than a mile or two with Sorrow. When tragedy strikes and the sadness sets in, I recognize it and I know it all too well. It's not like a friend or an acquaintance, it's more like a dentist. You're never happy to see him and you know what's coming once you sit in his chair. I feel like this with grief and sorrow, I know it, I've been there, I know each stage and what's coming, and I've come to the point where I just succumb and say okay, let's do this and let's get it over with. That's not to say it's necessarily easier or that I know all the answers or the secrets to coming out any faster or better off on the other side of it. I just know it and I'm better at it. I am quicker to give in, I am quicker to go to the Savior, and I am quicker to get over the anger and frustration and bitterness. I guess maybe that sounds weird... I've become good at grieving.

Also in the book, Albom cites Isaiah:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."


I've also been poring over this month's Ensign, which has a lot to do with trials and adversity.
(Thank you Trisha for pointing me in that direction.)

"This is the moment when eternal destinies are forged in the quiet reaches of the heart and mind as we struggle to respond to a personal trial. At such moments we can choose to remember the spiritual witnesses and testimony we have received and rely on the Lord to help us through the challenge..." -Elder Paul B. Pieper "Trials and Testimony"

"Because of what our family has experienced, we feel greater empathy for others' struggles, whatever they may be and find ourselves reaching for a greater understanding of the Savior's love for us. We are learning that through our active use of the Atonement, it is indeed possible to be 'troubled on every side, yet not distressed;...perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken, cast down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)." -Emma Petty Addams "Enduring Well"

"President Harold B. Lee once remarked: 'Sometimes when we are going through the most severe tests, we will be nearer to God than we have any idea.' " -Larry Richman "Learning Through Life's Trials"


Mostly the past few days, I have been crying and thinking and crying and reading and crying and praying. (Thank you to my wonderful rock of a husband who took over the care of Allary and other things. And thank you to Trisha and Leslee who have also helped out and had Allary over to play while the aforementioned things consumed me).
I think the biggest thing I've learned is not to separate the grieving process from the Savior. In the past, I've felt like I need to stay away from Him until I'm ready to be healed. I need to be alone to be sad and angry and get through the ugly part, then when I'm ready, I'll go to Him. Like He's waiting for me to run, walk, or crawl through the mud to get to Him and then He'll come in and save the day. I've found this is not the case at all. I don't have to walk, run, or crawl anywhere...this time I simply feel like I stopped in place and just fell down...right to my knees, and right into His arms. He wants me to be happy, but that doesn't mean He's going to expect me to be happy all the time or that He's upset with me when I'm sad.
I am sad and I am grieving, but I am in a good place. I am in His arms. I feel it figuratively through the Comforter, and also literally... it's in the hugs and the tears from those who are hurting with us.

Loss...

At Dena's 15 week ultrasound yesterday, we found out we have lost our precious babies. The ultrasound revealed no heartbeats, no movement, and no growth. I have no words...

These are our last pictures of them (around 11 weeks).




Thank you everyone who has offered your love and tears and prayers and support.