...a few thoughts

I just finished reading "Have a Little Faith" by Mitch Albom. I really loved it. I think it's my favorite of his and made my list of all-time faves. This could also be because of the timing and my current state of mind. Here's a few passages that stood out to me:

"I tell him I am sorry for his loss. And he says, with an angry face, 'I envy you.'
'Why do you envy me?' I said.
'Because when you lose someone you love, you can curse God. You can yell... You can demand to know why. But I don't believe in God...'
He was near tears. 'Who do I blame?' he kept asking me. 'There is no God. I can only blame myself.'
The Reb's face tightened as if in pain.
'That,' he said softly, 'is a terrible self-indictment.'
Worse than an unanswered prayer?
'Oh yes. It is far more comforting to think God listened and said no, than to think that nobody's out there.' "

I liked this passage too,
"I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow,
And ne'er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,
When Sorrow walked with me.
-Robert Browning Hamilton"

I feel like over the past few years I've walked more than a mile or two with Sorrow. When tragedy strikes and the sadness sets in, I recognize it and I know it all too well. It's not like a friend or an acquaintance, it's more like a dentist. You're never happy to see him and you know what's coming once you sit in his chair. I feel like this with grief and sorrow, I know it, I've been there, I know each stage and what's coming, and I've come to the point where I just succumb and say okay, let's do this and let's get it over with. That's not to say it's necessarily easier or that I know all the answers or the secrets to coming out any faster or better off on the other side of it. I just know it and I'm better at it. I am quicker to give in, I am quicker to go to the Savior, and I am quicker to get over the anger and frustration and bitterness. I guess maybe that sounds weird... I've become good at grieving.

Also in the book, Albom cites Isaiah:
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."


I've also been poring over this month's Ensign, which has a lot to do with trials and adversity.
(Thank you Trisha for pointing me in that direction.)

"This is the moment when eternal destinies are forged in the quiet reaches of the heart and mind as we struggle to respond to a personal trial. At such moments we can choose to remember the spiritual witnesses and testimony we have received and rely on the Lord to help us through the challenge..." -Elder Paul B. Pieper "Trials and Testimony"

"Because of what our family has experienced, we feel greater empathy for others' struggles, whatever they may be and find ourselves reaching for a greater understanding of the Savior's love for us. We are learning that through our active use of the Atonement, it is indeed possible to be 'troubled on every side, yet not distressed;...perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken, cast down, but not destroyed. (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)." -Emma Petty Addams "Enduring Well"

"President Harold B. Lee once remarked: 'Sometimes when we are going through the most severe tests, we will be nearer to God than we have any idea.' " -Larry Richman "Learning Through Life's Trials"


Mostly the past few days, I have been crying and thinking and crying and reading and crying and praying. (Thank you to my wonderful rock of a husband who took over the care of Allary and other things. And thank you to Trisha and Leslee who have also helped out and had Allary over to play while the aforementioned things consumed me).
I think the biggest thing I've learned is not to separate the grieving process from the Savior. In the past, I've felt like I need to stay away from Him until I'm ready to be healed. I need to be alone to be sad and angry and get through the ugly part, then when I'm ready, I'll go to Him. Like He's waiting for me to run, walk, or crawl through the mud to get to Him and then He'll come in and save the day. I've found this is not the case at all. I don't have to walk, run, or crawl anywhere...this time I simply feel like I stopped in place and just fell down...right to my knees, and right into His arms. He wants me to be happy, but that doesn't mean He's going to expect me to be happy all the time or that He's upset with me when I'm sad.
I am sad and I am grieving, but I am in a good place. I am in His arms. I feel it figuratively through the Comforter, and also literally... it's in the hugs and the tears from those who are hurting with us.

Loss...

At Dena's 15 week ultrasound yesterday, we found out we have lost our precious babies. The ultrasound revealed no heartbeats, no movement, and no growth. I have no words...

These are our last pictures of them (around 11 weeks).




Thank you everyone who has offered your love and tears and prayers and support.

Valentine's Day

Allary was so excited for her Valentine's Day party at preschool. She put a lot of thought and effort into making Valentines for her class-mates. I should have taken a picture of them, but forgot. Here she is all ready to head to her party at school.



They all made these ginormous "Human Valentines."

The poem reads:

"There's a Valentine standing at your door.
I'm one of a kind.
You can't buy me at the store.
I have something for you,
that you won't want to miss.
Just pucker up and give me...
A Great BIG KISS!"

Here she is showing off her Valentine's Day goodies from us.

The Hair

For Allary's photos, I wanted to show off her gorgeous locks. On a normal day, I just brush her hair out after a bath and let it air dry, which really only leaves it slightly curly/wavy. To get these cute ringlet-like curls, I put in some gel and hair spray after her bath, then used the diffuser on my blow-dryer to scrunch it and dry it. Then I curled the top layer with a skinny curling iron for the extra tight curls. I thought she would hate the whole process, but she actually loved getting all dolled up.

Professional Photos

I took Allary to JCPenney's to get her photo taken. I've been trying to do it around her birthday every year, but I got a little behind this year. She is nearly 4 1/2 now, but I still wanted to capture her at this age. I am so happy with how these turned out. Allary did everything the photographer asked and then added her own little flair. These really showcase her fun, sweet, and sparkly personality.

Fancy Nancy Tea Party

The local library had a poster in their lobby for a Fancy Nancy Tea Party. Allary saw it a few weeks ago, and of course recognized the pictures on it, and asked me what it was for. When I read it and told her, she was jumping up and down and begging to go. So, we invited her cousin Paige to go with us and got tickets (which were free!). Allary asked me about it every day leading up to it and was intent on planning out her fancy outfit and accessories. She is a HUGE fan of all things Fancy Nancy.
Here she is all ready to go...




And here they are at the party. I was totally impressed with the whole thing. It was very well planned and fancifully decorated. There were 75 (!) little girls there and they were all surprisingly well-behaved because the whole thing was very fun and cute and entertaining. When they first got there, there were young girls (helpers) who took them by the hand and helped them accessorize with tiaras and necklaces and rings.



The hostess read the original Fancy Nancy book and made it very entertaining with props and fancy dress-ups for herself. (Look at all those little girls!)


They had sparkling pink punch, skittles, and pink cupcakes served on fancy little platters. The girls were trying to sip with their pinkies up, so funny.

They also had a lady teach them a few French words (because everything sounds fancier in French). At the end, each girl was asked to find one of the hostesses and curtsy and say "merci!" These two were so cute.
This was a priceless experience for Allary. She loved everything about it. Seriously, right up her alley. :) And for anyone with little girly girls, I highly recommend Fancy Nancy.

Grandma's House

Jason was out of town for work and so Allary and I took a little trip to my mom and dad's house. We had a great time hanging out with my mom. Allary and I both love her so much and she really is one of my very best friends. We always have so much fun.
Here are some photos of the fun...

Can you tell this girl loves her grandma? :)


We spent quite a bit of time at the "bouncing place." Allary would just go and go and go and skip and run around from one thing to the next with her little cheeks getting all rosy from so much fun.



We also got to go spend some time with Katie and her boys. I should have taken a photo of Katie and me too, but the batteries in my camera were about to die and I barely had enough power left to snag this one of these two cuties.


I took this one on the drive home. Allary is such a wonderful little travel companion. She never cries or complains. She just watches movies and colors and talks and is happy as can be. She is showing off her little hamster that Grandma bought for her. It's kind of like a Zhu Zhu pet, but not a real one. Allary has affectionately named him Zhu Zhu though, and he is constantly cruising around on our hard wood floors. He also has been sleeping with her every night. It's funny what kids love and become attached to. Thank you Grandma for Zhu Zhu, he has become an instant favorite.
And thank you again, Mom, for letting us come and for all the good food, good fun, and especially good company!