Jeffrey R. Holland Video

For those who haven't seen the video, I just wanted to make it available. It is a great Easter Message and a wonderful reminder of what the Savior did for all of us.

Easter weekend

Jason had the whole weekend off and so we had a wonderful Easter weekend together as a family. We were supposed to go down to spend the weekend with Jason's family, but Jason has been sick and so we decided to stick around here and take it easy.
We painted Easter eggs on Friday evening.


I'm looking at these pictures thinking, why did I not wash her face off first? Oh well, still cute.



There we go. Clean face, silly girl.

I think she was pretty pleased with her eggs.


This is what the Easter bunny left for Allary. Candy, candy, a coloring book, and more candy. She saw those big chocolate bunnies in the grocery store and was begging me for one. I told her maybe the Easter bunny could bring her one. So she wrote a letter to the Easter bunny firstly informing him to come to our house instead of Grandma's house, and secondly, pleading for a big chocolate bunny.


Searching for eggs.






She wore the same Easter dress from last year. I love this dress so much. I think she looks so angelic in white.
Oh, and I don't know why she poses for pictures like this now.


And, as if she needed more sugar, Sunday night we frosted chick-shaped sugar cookies.

It was such a great weekend and I'm so glad that I got to have some time with my hubby.
Allary learned a new word this weekend..."resurrection." We talked about how Jesus died for us and was resurrected because He loves us so much. Allary kept asking "how did He die?" and "who did that to Him?" and "why did they do that to Him?" and "That is really NOT nice!" She was really upset that someone could be so mean to Jesus. I love teaching Allary gospel principles and helping her to know how much her Heavenly Father loves and cherishes her. I don't think it's possible to love anyone or anything more than I love this girl.

Waiting is HARD

Waiting is hard.
I always hesitate to post any negative feelings or to reveal the incredibly, heart-wrenchingly, difficult side of the adoption process. I don't want to put any negativity about adoption out there because the world needs to look at adoption in a positive light. The sad truth is, there are more unwed mothers and unplanned pregnancies than ever before, and also less children being placed for adoption than ever before.

So why do I do this? I don't know. It just helps me to get it out, I think. So, if you don't want to hear my venting and whining, then stop here.

I think there is always (and probably always will be) a part of me that is sad about not being able to have more children. When I say always, I mean every second of every day. I feel like it's an enemy of sorts, I'm constantly fighting to tuck it away in the darkest corner of my thoughts so that I can go about my day. The best way for me to do this is to stay busy. Always moving from one task to the next. I fill up my day with errands and chores so that I don't have time to stop and think. It only takes a minute, like at the end of a day as I lay in bed just trying to shut my mind off completely before it wanders inevitably to those questions. Why am I not being blessed with more children? Am I not meant to have more children? If I am, then how??? And when???
It is exhausting.

One of the ways I try to distract myself and stay sane is getting out of the house and going to parks and playlands with Allary. But lately, even this can rip at my heart. I started crying in the McDonald's playland the other day as I sat at a table by myself. I find myself looking at the other children there and thinking, could I love that one? or that one? or even that one? I watch other moms struggling with several small children and actually wish that was me. I wish I was sitting there struggling with a crying wiggly baby, or that Allary had a sibling to run and play with and even fight with.

I see how big Allary is getting and I hate that she is not a big sister yet. She asks me all the time why she doesn't have a baby brother or sister like all her friends do. And it seems like ALL her friends have at least one.

We recently had a yearly update interview with our caseworker. I was so naive to think that we would surely have a baby by now and wouldn't even have to be updating anything. Our caseworker mentioned that maybe by changing our preference checklist we could get a baby faster. If you don't know what the preference checklist is, let me just tell you it is the hardest and most awkward form I've ever had to fill out. Since I am not able to have a biological child, does that give me the right to choose what kind of child I would or would not accept? How do you choose? The list involves ethnicity, deformities, abnormalities, genetic disorders, substance abuse, and every mental or physical impairment imagineable... and you have to check yes, will consider, or no.
I read a book a while back called "Two Little Girls: A Memoir of Adoption" by Theresa Reid. I think she worded how I feel about this quite well so I will just quote her:
"If I were pregnant, my answer to these questions would have been nurturing. I would have eaten carefully and exercised regularly, would have refused alcohol, and avoided paint fumes and insecticides and emotional upset. I would have done everything in my power to safeguard my baby's health in utero. Everyone would have applauded me and extolled these wonderful early signs of my maternal vigilance. But I wasn't pregnant. We were adopting. And our utterly common desire for a perfectly healthy child could not be expressed positively. It was expressed as a series of 'No's.' With every checkmark we made in the No column we felt criminally deficient in the capacity to love, in generosity of spirit... If a child were born to us mentally or physically disadvantaged, we would love that child with all our hearts, or part of us would die trying... We wanted, like everyone else, to build a healthy, happy family. They gave us the choice! -- or the illusion of choice, which was just as unnerving."

I feel like the longer I let myself go over and over those questions of why I am not able to have more children, the more possible answers I am able to come up with. I beat myself up a lot. Every time I lose my temper with Allary or make any sort of parenting mistake, the thought flashes across my mind, "This is why I'm not being allowed any more children." I work so hard every day trying to prove that I am a good mom, deserving of another child. How do you do that? I still don't know.

I know that this is hard for a reason. I know things will work out the way they are supposed to. I know there must be a reason why this is not happening the way I want or when I want. In her book, Theresa Reid also talks about being at a park with her adopted child, and her friend, also a young mom, said something to the effect of, 'well, I would have another one too if someone would just give one to me.' I will say that my pregnancy with all its miserableness and sickness and hormones and even the terrifying complications, were easier than trying to have a child this way. I would go through it all again in a second if I wasn't terrified of losing everything and of Allary losing a mom. I really would. I love what the author of the book says about the Herculean efforts and the emotional pain involved with adoption...
"Life's greatest gems are not just dropped into your lap."

Little Ballerina

Allary started dance classes again this month. Her previous class was canceled because they lost their teacher and so I had to look around to find another affordable class. I finally found this one and it's really great. The teacher is so good at keeping all the little girls' attention and she does some really creative things. For example, she reads them a few pages from a storybook and then has them try and act out the story with dance movements. She also has them dance and then freeze in a creative pose when the music stops and then she chooses one girl whose pose the rest of them have to try to imitate. It's really cute. Allary is having such a great time and I wish we had found this class sooner, rather than right before we are moving. Hopefully we'll be able to find her another great class when that time comes.

Dinosaur Museum

We went to the Dinosaur museum with Paige and Trisha on Paige's birthday. Allary really enjoyed it and had a lot of fun there.





The girls were both a little nervous to get too close to this big shark. It took a lot of coaxing to get them to pose for a photo.

The Zoo

This was actually a few weeks ago but I forgot to post these pictures. At the first sign of warm weather, Allary and I headed for the zoo. We still had to wear coats, but it was a nice day and there was hardly anyone else there. The animals also seem to be more active during cooler weather.

I love this girl so much.


Allary was so excited to show Simba the lions. :)



Allary took this picture of me, not bad right?

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

This is Allary wearing her green today.





What do poor leprechaun's eat for dinner?
Green Ramen. :)
It is our tradition to eat a green dinner for St. Patty's Day. We had green Ramen, green Jello, green grapes, dill pickles, and green limeade.