Goodbye to Kota

After much deliberation and stress and guilt, we decided to sell Kota. If we were ever to have a dog, she was the ideal dog for us and I feel bad that it just didn't work out. I like the idea of having a dog, but apparently not the actual having and cleaning up after a dog. I could not get over feeling like my house was not clean because of the dog, and it was seriously stressing me out. She was cute, smart, sweet, and loving. I did not think I was that emotionally attached, but I cried my eyes out the day we sold her. I think it's hard to not get attached to some degree when you pour so much work and effort into caring for a cute little something. I will say though, that very night after we sold her, I started steam cleaning the carpets with my sister's steam-vac and thereafter spent a full week in a blissful cleaning stupor. I figure anyone who gets a thrill out of staying up until midnight to thoroughly clean the carpet is simply not a dog person.
I do miss her a little, but mostly I feel relieved. And, mostly I feel bad for Allary. A cool mom gives her kid a puppy. An evil mom gives her kid a puppy, lets her get attached, and then takes it away. Allary has been doing a lot better than I thought she would. She was sad (and mad at me) the day we sold her, but has rarely mentioned her since. Maybe she won't need therapy after all. :)









I bought Kota a funny little Halloween costume quite a while ago. Allary was very upset that I sold her before Halloween, not giving her a chance to take the dog trick-or-treating. So, we dressed Kota up in it and took some pictures before she left. Allary was also in her costume that day because it was the day of her preschool Halloween party.





I tried to give Allary lots of time with Kota the morning before she left. I asked Allary if there was anything she wanted to do with her one last time (besides the Halloween costume). She said she wanted to take her for one more walk.

I planned it so that the family who bought her came during preschool. I thought it would be best for Allary and them that way. I didn't want them to have to walk away with the puppy with Allary crying. Turns out, they had to walk away with the puppy while I was crying. Oh man.
These photos still rip at my heart. "Okay Allary, it's time... say goodbye."

Now, don't pass judgment on me for teaching my 5 year old the power of retail therapy. I took her to Target after preschool and told her she could pick anything she wanted. Within reason, of course, but I know her and I knew she wouldn't pick something that extravagant. Although, I felt so horrible, if she would have asked me for the moon, I would have found a way to get it for her.
This is what she picked out and she has been thrilled with it.

The Aquarium

Jason actually had a day off (well, half of a day anyway) in October and so we decided to spend the afternoon at the Aquarium.

I know you can't see it very well, but there is a tiger shark behind them.

Allary was very nervous of the stingrays. She liked to watch them, but didn't have much interest in touching them. She did finally barely touch one as it went by and I was proud of her for doing something that scared her a little.

The penguins were cute and fun to watch dive in and out of the water.


Did you have any idea that an emperor penguin was this big??? Good thing the chances of running into a wild emperor penguin are slim because I would freak out!



The Princess and the Frog.... :)


Below is a fun little video of the penguins. I know Allary's expression doesn't show it, but she loved watching them.

I love this girl

Allary and I were having a bite to eat at Target today before doing our shopping and she was just cracking me up so I thought I'd share, and get it down in writing (or type) before I forgot the moment. We were playing a little game as we waited for our food. One of us hums a song and the other one tries to guess what it is. It was my turn to guess and I was throwing out "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star," "Jingle Bells," "I am a Child of God." I was just not getting it, though there was no lack of effort on her part. Finally, she rolls her eyes and says... "oh mom, don't you know 'All the Single Ladies???'" I just about spit out my Diet Coke I was laughing so hard. :)

Also as we were shopping today, Allary was singing her heart out and making up the song as she went (not at all uncommon for her.) It made me smile because the song went something like this... "I love my mom, she is the best of all moms, she is my shopping buddy, I love her more than chocolate cake."

Update...

-sigh- where to begin....
We have had a rough couple of months (years actually). Not long after we lost the twins back in March, sweet Dena offered to give the surrogacy another try. We had 4 frozen embryos still there at the clinic. Dena started the whole process again and had one embryo transferred to her the first week of August. A few weeks later she went in to have her blood drawn to see if she was pregnant. She called to tell us that she was in fact pregnant, but that her hormone levels were abnormally low. We were excited, but also trying to be cautious about getting our hopes up. She went back a few days later for another blood draw and they found that her numbers had gone up significantly. At that point, we were truly excited. But only a few days after that, Dena started bleeding. They took her blood again and found that her numbers, while still rising, were not near high enough to indicate a normal pregnancy. She went back again after a few more days for another blood draw and found that her hormone levels were still increasing and that there was maybe hope that things would be okay. It seems like this went on and on forever. Her levels did continue to rise, but not like they should, and they couldn't seem to find the embryo on the ultrasounds. Finally the doctor and nurses concluded that it was an ectopic pregnancy. They did surgery and found the embryo hiding at the entrance to one of the tubes. Ectopic, really??? How does that even happen with IVF? Apparently there was a less than 3% chance of that happening. Kind of like there was a less than 1% chance of twins. I am the girl of small percentages. We were at least relieved that they found it and that Dena was okay. I feel horrible for what she has been through on our behalf and I can never ever thank her enough for her selfless act of love.

So where does this leave me? I have no idea. Grieving...again. Confused, angry, frustrated, depressed, and exhausted in every way. I feel like I have been fighting, fighting with every bit of strength I can muster towards this one goal, and I keep losing. Not just losing but ending up more and more beaten down with each loss. So should I quit fighting? Should I just accept that maybe I am not meant to have more than one child? This thought saddens me so much that I cannot even go there. How do I quit fighting for something I cannot go a single day, even a single hour, without thinking about?

Allary is 5!

Her birthday is September 25th, so I'm a little late getting this posted. We started the birthday festivities with a family party here at our house on Friday evening. As usual with that many little cousins, it was chaotic and loud and really fun. Then we had Paige and Megan stay over that night for a super fun girly sleepover. The next morning, we dropped Allary off at the church for a primary program practice and took the other two girls home. We came home, ate a quick lunch, and then had some of Allary's friends over for a Hello Kitty Birthday Party. They made kitty ears, played pin-the-tail-on-the-kitty, doggie doggie kitty (as opposed to duck duck goose), and freeze dancing. They seemed to have a great time. Right after that party was over, Jason's family came over and we enjoyed the rest of the afternoon and evening with them. It was kind of a tiring weekend, but also really fun.
Here are some pictures of the fun...

I had to go to several different stores before I found a Hello Kitty cake but I did finally find this one and I thought it turned out cute.

Haley with the totally awesome Hello Kitty light-up cake topper.


New Tinkerbell DVD from us.
Can you tell we had red punch to drink? :)

Kevin and Leslee.

Cute new clothes from Grandma and Grandpa M.

LeapFrog word builder from us.

Olivia doll from us.

Book from Grandma Dixie.

Scooter from Grandma and Grandpa M.

The three girlies. I made them get back in their sleeping bags in the morning with their clothes on just so I could get a picture. :)

Breakfast.

Allary's friend party. Emma, Taryn, Abby, Joey, and Allary.

I can't believe my sweet little girl is 5! I love her more than I ever knew it was possible to love anything.
Here's a list of some of Allary's favorite things...
Color: Pink and Purple
Food: Macaroni and Cheese
Treat: Suckers and Ice Cream
Game: Candyland
Movie: "The Princess and the Frog," and "Horton Hears a Who"
Book: Olivia (ALL of them)
Song: I am a Child of God
Things to Do: go on walks with Kota, ride my bike and my scooter, go swimming, color, play with friends
Thing to do with Mom: have picnics (we have indoor picnics on a blanket in the family room quite often)
Thing to do with Dad: play games, like Candyland and Life.
Favorite Thing about Being 5: still getting to be held, and being the only one that's 5 in this family.

She makes me smile. :)

We Got a Puppy!

We got a puppy! We brought her home the first part of August. We have been thinking about getting a dog for a long time. I kept thinking we'd wait until we had a yard and a fence. After much deliberation, we decided that now is actually the perfect time to get a dog. I have a lot of time on my hands right now to take care of and train a puppy. My biggest reason for getting a dog is for Allary to have a little playmate. I also want a dog to keep me company when Jason has to be gone. We researched a lot of different breeds and spent a good deal of time coming up with a basic list of what we were looking for. In the end, we decided we really liked a designer dog breed called Morkie. A Morkie is a cross between a Yorkie and a Maltese. We wanted a small, clean, non-shedding, quiet, affectionate little dog. I started checking the online classifieds every day until we found a Morkie puppy for sale. We found our little puppy, went and saw her at the seller's home, and went back a week later to get her and bring her home. She was only 5 weeks old when we got her and she was seriously the tiniest, cutest, sweetest, fluffiest little thing I'd ever seen.
Here are some photos. We named her Kota.

The day we brought her home. 5 weeks old.

Allary was soooo happy!

6 weeks old (2 lbs)

7 weeks old.

8 weeks old.

9 weeks old (3 lbs.)

10 weeks old.

Allary's shirt says "I heart my best friend" with a picture of a puppy. :)

The potty training is a major pain, but she is learning. For the most part, she is a very calm, sweet, smart little pup. I have been working hard to train her. So far she knows and usually obeys "no," "come," "sit," "shake," "heel," and "go to your kennel." I think that's pretty darn good for only 10 weeks old.
Here's a video of her showing off "sit" and "shake."

And another video, because she's just so darn cute.




And, another one because this right here is why I wanted a dog. :)

Back to Preschool

Allary started another year of preschool last week. She goes three mornings a week now to the same preschool as last year. She was so excited to see her school friends again. The first day of school this year was so much easier than last year. Last year I cried and felt so strange to not have her with me. It still does feel weird to go some place without her. It's like I'm missing an appendage. She and I are so close and we do everything and go everywhere together. I still do miss her when she's gone, but it's not as emotional as it was last year. I do have to say though, I am glad she didn't start Kindergarten this year. She misses the cut-off by just a few weeks. I will be a wreck when that time comes. For now, three mornings a week at a preschool just two houses away is just right. :)

Here she is all set to head out the door on her first day.





This next photo was actually her third day of school, but I just thought she looked so dang cute in her new dress and cowgirl boots.